Don't let it consume you.

I have negative thoughts, but it doesn't mean I believe in them or entertain them. I thought to myself how funny it is that years ago I would call off work for "mental health days" simply because I was being lazy. Now I have days off with nothing to do and I go stir crazy. Blah, blah...Taking life for granted...Yadda, yadda. Nope. But I got a chuckle. Those thoughts are present, and I could dwell on them and let them consume me, but I don't do that. Waste of time. Moving along...

I'm off work today, and spent most of the day resting (read: sleeping). I had back spasms this morning and my leg hurt some. I got a bit overzealous yesterday and unwrapped a rolled up area rug that had been leaning against the wall (vertically) waiting to be put in the dining room. I pushed the dining room table out of the way and once I unwrapped the rug (it was wrapped in plastic) I unrolled it. 

Did I mention I did this "secretly" when my husband was in the shower? Yeah. 

When he was done showering, he asked me why I did it. I know I shouldn't take on such things by myself - but I guess one of the things that bothers me the most is that I can't really do a lot of the things I used to, as far as helping around the house goes.

I feel bad that my husband takes on a lot more than he used to have to. He works so hard all day long and then comes home and works more. I don't feel like I'm contributing like I should be (or could be) and that bugs me - a lot. I used to be able to do dishes, dust, mop... All sorts of things. The mets in my bones sort of make it painful to stand in one place too long. If anything makes me feel bad/terrible, it's this. Once we have our dining room completely together I'm going to call the cleaning ladies I used to use at our old place and start to have them visit us again. They're wonderful women and they were always thorough and kind. 

I do know about Cleaning for a Cause - but I got put on a waiting list over a year ago and didn't hear anything back. Besides, I'm not looking for a handout - I'm looking for a clean house. Don't mistake, our house isn't dirty by any standard. I even joked that I wished it was, then I'd have something to do on my days off (I can push a Swiffer for 5-10 minutes at a time, after all)!! 

Anyway, if you're a cancer patient going through treatment and need some help around the house, check out Cleaning for a Cause. You may have better luck in your city than I did, and it seems like a really good idea. I'll stick with my ladies. 

This Thursday I give winter the finger and head down  to a warmer climate for the weekend. I don't really remember what warm weather feels like, so I thought it'd be a good idea if we went somewhere to remind ourselves. Hopefully I'll feel up to renting a bicycle to explore some, we'll see. I'm looking forward to sunshine and the smell of the ocean. 

Until next time!

Wigging OUT!

Unfortunately, my week-long getaway in upstate NY had to end. We got home this afternoon after splitting the 9+ hour ride home into two days (we stopped last night in Syracuse).

The drive out of the Adirondack park was pretty scary. At times, it rained very hard. The roads were mostly in good shape, but many lacked the little reflectors that we all probably take for granted most of the time. There were some curves/turns that didn't have reflectors on poles by the side of the road, and there were no street lights. We made it out, but it didn't get much better on Route 81! I was so glad when we finally stopped moving (in other words, arrived at our hotel)!!

We'd just enjoyed a dinner and celebration with a LOT of family members who drove/flew in to celebrate my Father-in-law's birthday. He really does a lot for us (and for the rest of his family) so it was really wonderful to have a day with so many loved ones that was all for him. It was really great to see people I hadn't seen in a couple of years (or more). It was sad that we had to leave so soon, but I'm back to work tomorrow. 

I was having quite a bit of pain in my left leg all week, but yesterday was the worst. Pain medication didn't touch it - but to be fair I only tried Advil, I did not want to take narcotics or muscle relaxers. I woke up today with significantly less pain, so that was nice. I can actually walk today without hesitation or limping. I've brought it up with my oncologist's nurse who thinks it could be anything from referred pain from bone mets, or just a muscle pull. 

This week I meet with my Radiation Oncologist to follow up on the CyberKnife treatment I had. We're not doing any scans, it's mostly just to discuss how I'm feeling, and to talk about any side effects I'm experiencing. 

My hair continues to thin, and it's getting to the point where it's annoying me. It sticks straight up most of the time, and it's very obviously extremely thin when I slick it down with something. Most people say it looks great, but I have a hard time believing it - I think it's mostly positive talk and that's great, but as I continue to pull away little bunches of strands whenever I touch my head - I tell myself the hair has got to go. 

I checked with my insurance rider to see if my plan covers wigs. Good news, it does! Bad news, there's only one networking provider and it seems that they only specialize in styles that pay tribute to 1970s power-butch lesbians. 

Rawr.

That's a fine thing to be, but the hair-do isn't my style at all. They only have 15 designs/styles and they are nearly identical. I looked elsewhere online and DAMN... Wigs are expensive! I'm not trying to emulate Beyonce, I don't need a lace front - but short of wearing a halloween novelty wig, I'm going to be out a few hundred bucks, at least. A friend of mine has offered to go wig shopping locally, where I am told I can find perfectly good options well under 100 dollars. 

Until then, I do not know that I am ready to rock the baldness - I still don't like scarves very much (I'm just not used to feeling them on my head, and they kind of itch) and there's one hat that I love, but it's not appropriate for all situations. I will continue my research!

That's all for now. I didn't even drive today but I'm exhausted (and getting sick, I'm afraid. I have a persistent sore throat). 

There's no place like...

I'm prepping for a second berry pie right now, the bottom crust is in the oven, the berries are on the stovetop cooling, and the lattice top is unrolled and in the fridge still. I'll put it together and bake it soon.

I'm on my first vacation since I was diagnosed with cancer, and it's great! I've actually managed to sleep - a LOT - and have been feeling generally well rested. My husband participated in a triathlon on Monday and that was AWESOME! We're here for a little bit longer, then heading home.

I woke up this morning not feeling very well, though. Lots of knocking in my chest, nausea, and I was/am cold. I have obsessively (but discreetly - Hi Mom!) been taking my temperature all day and I've got no fever, but chills can be a part of chemotherapy. I took a Zofran and my other dailies and powered through it. Most food has looked awful to me all day long, and I managed to be nauseated most of the afternoon - but I'm okay. I ate enough, and the company I kept more than makes up for the icky stomach.

Next week will begin Cycle #2 of Carboplatin/Alimta/Avastin. This probably means that Sunday will be my worst (and whiny) day. I'm excited to beat the ever-loving shite out of my cancer, so naturally I am looking forward to next Friday.

I also miss my house, and my cats though. The knocking in my chest is (likely) my lung trying to open up more. My breathing is fine, and I've had no fevers since I finished the antibiotics for the unrelated infection last week. The sensation makes me cough, which makes me wheeze a little - and that always makes me nervous. That makes me want to run home, fast. In one particular coughing fit this afternoon I told my husband I wanted to go home, now. I don't feel that way now, but the anxiety still remains. Part of me is not comfortable with being as far away from my doctors/team as I am. My husband assures me that there are oncologists and a hospital nearby, but I don't know them and they don't know me.

The last time I spoke at length with a doctor who didn't know me, she told me I should be considering hospice (this was November, 2013). I was highly offended and her words sparked mental trauma I still fight with once in a while. That hospital stay was horrid, and traumatic in many ways. So while I'm somewhat comforted that there are medical professionals nearby if needed, I can't stop thinking of all the things they can (and probably would) say to me. I'm having a hard time thinking positive about that scenario.

There it is, just a little brain dump. I wouldn't be human if I didn't worry some.

I'm so glad to be where I am, though - and with my family. The combination of my surroundings and the people I'm with make this trip so very therapeutic. I wish I could stay longer - but also have the capability to teleport my doctors here if needed. The weather was dreary today and so I think that's part of the reason that *I* was dreary feeling. My family is pretty damn awesome, though. With them I can weather any storm.

Time to make that pie, now. If you're planning on heading over, it'll be done in an hour or so.

TTFN!