I can't even.

I don't want to crap all over my last post, which was pretty sunshine-y but real talk?

I don't feel good. I have scans tomorrow and I don't feel good about it at all. The one thing that keeps me from sinking into a pit of bottomless despair is that I know there are other things we can do.

I've felt kinda crappy for a couple of weeks, ever since I got back from Miami Beach, really. I've never wanted to have a cold so badly in my life. I'm coughing every so often. When I cough I lose my breath. I'm short of breath going up stairs. I don't know what would happen if I rode a bike. I don't have a fever, I just feel lousy.

I'm anxious. I'm scared every night that I take my chemotherapy drug that I'm going to wake up the next morning vomiting. I'm terrified that I'll have to either go to work sick, or call in. I hate being a burden on anyone, much less an employer. I know, I know.

It's not my fault.

You can tell me that until you're blue in the face and it doesn't matter, though. In addition to my anti-nausea pre-meds, I've been taking Xanax nightly to deal with this creeping fear/anxiety. I don't like letting people down. I hate it when people think I'm doing a second rate job (being social, being a friend, writing e-mails/texts, whatever) on something on purpose.

I know 99% of people understand this. I'm not vaguely calling anyone out, I'm just saying what I'm saying to say it. So it can be said. I said it, get it?

Stay with me...

Positives? Okay, sure. Bone pain has been less, overall. I have discomfort in my shoulder the most lately, but a warm heating pad helps. So, there's that - but do you know what makes me SO ANGRY? Earlier, I couldn't really walk any distance because my legs hurt. Now I could probably walk to the drugstore and whatnot but I'm so tired/short of breath that it's a chore. I would kindly like my body to stop screwing with me. 

I think if it were a sentient being, Cancer would unabashedly admit that it enjoys making people miserable. It would laugh and laugh as I cried and cried. Cancer would find my coughing HILARIOUS.  

See what I did there?

Seriously, I hate you Cancer. I wish you'd die (and not take me with you).

So I would say yeah, I've got "scanxiety". I have scanxiety on steroids. I have mega-scanxiety. I want to know, but I don't want to know. If it's working and I've just got a cold or whatever, let's fix that. If Zykadia is a big fat failure, let's move on and not dwell too much on what went wrong (at least I don't want to dwell). 

I hope that everyone is kind to me tomorrow, and if there's bad or less than good news to give - let's focus more on what's next and let's get stuff done - that's what I want to do. I can get better. I've done it before, it's just about trying another key or another piece of the puzzle. 

Today though, seriously...It's hard to be happy. I can't.