I can't even.

I don't want to crap all over my last post, which was pretty sunshine-y but real talk?

I don't feel good. I have scans tomorrow and I don't feel good about it at all. The one thing that keeps me from sinking into a pit of bottomless despair is that I know there are other things we can do.

I've felt kinda crappy for a couple of weeks, ever since I got back from Miami Beach, really. I've never wanted to have a cold so badly in my life. I'm coughing every so often. When I cough I lose my breath. I'm short of breath going up stairs. I don't know what would happen if I rode a bike. I don't have a fever, I just feel lousy.

I'm anxious. I'm scared every night that I take my chemotherapy drug that I'm going to wake up the next morning vomiting. I'm terrified that I'll have to either go to work sick, or call in. I hate being a burden on anyone, much less an employer. I know, I know.

It's not my fault.

You can tell me that until you're blue in the face and it doesn't matter, though. In addition to my anti-nausea pre-meds, I've been taking Xanax nightly to deal with this creeping fear/anxiety. I don't like letting people down. I hate it when people think I'm doing a second rate job (being social, being a friend, writing e-mails/texts, whatever) on something on purpose.

I know 99% of people understand this. I'm not vaguely calling anyone out, I'm just saying what I'm saying to say it. So it can be said. I said it, get it?

Stay with me...

Positives? Okay, sure. Bone pain has been less, overall. I have discomfort in my shoulder the most lately, but a warm heating pad helps. So, there's that - but do you know what makes me SO ANGRY? Earlier, I couldn't really walk any distance because my legs hurt. Now I could probably walk to the drugstore and whatnot but I'm so tired/short of breath that it's a chore. I would kindly like my body to stop screwing with me. 

I think if it were a sentient being, Cancer would unabashedly admit that it enjoys making people miserable. It would laugh and laugh as I cried and cried. Cancer would find my coughing HILARIOUS.  

See what I did there?

Seriously, I hate you Cancer. I wish you'd die (and not take me with you).

So I would say yeah, I've got "scanxiety". I have scanxiety on steroids. I have mega-scanxiety. I want to know, but I don't want to know. If it's working and I've just got a cold or whatever, let's fix that. If Zykadia is a big fat failure, let's move on and not dwell too much on what went wrong (at least I don't want to dwell). 

I hope that everyone is kind to me tomorrow, and if there's bad or less than good news to give - let's focus more on what's next and let's get stuff done - that's what I want to do. I can get better. I've done it before, it's just about trying another key or another piece of the puzzle. 

Today though, seriously...It's hard to be happy. I can't.

Don't let it consume you.

I have negative thoughts, but it doesn't mean I believe in them or entertain them. I thought to myself how funny it is that years ago I would call off work for "mental health days" simply because I was being lazy. Now I have days off with nothing to do and I go stir crazy. Blah, blah...Taking life for granted...Yadda, yadda. Nope. But I got a chuckle. Those thoughts are present, and I could dwell on them and let them consume me, but I don't do that. Waste of time. Moving along...

I'm off work today, and spent most of the day resting (read: sleeping). I had back spasms this morning and my leg hurt some. I got a bit overzealous yesterday and unwrapped a rolled up area rug that had been leaning against the wall (vertically) waiting to be put in the dining room. I pushed the dining room table out of the way and once I unwrapped the rug (it was wrapped in plastic) I unrolled it. 

Did I mention I did this "secretly" when my husband was in the shower? Yeah. 

When he was done showering, he asked me why I did it. I know I shouldn't take on such things by myself - but I guess one of the things that bothers me the most is that I can't really do a lot of the things I used to, as far as helping around the house goes.

I feel bad that my husband takes on a lot more than he used to have to. He works so hard all day long and then comes home and works more. I don't feel like I'm contributing like I should be (or could be) and that bugs me - a lot. I used to be able to do dishes, dust, mop... All sorts of things. The mets in my bones sort of make it painful to stand in one place too long. If anything makes me feel bad/terrible, it's this. Once we have our dining room completely together I'm going to call the cleaning ladies I used to use at our old place and start to have them visit us again. They're wonderful women and they were always thorough and kind. 

I do know about Cleaning for a Cause - but I got put on a waiting list over a year ago and didn't hear anything back. Besides, I'm not looking for a handout - I'm looking for a clean house. Don't mistake, our house isn't dirty by any standard. I even joked that I wished it was, then I'd have something to do on my days off (I can push a Swiffer for 5-10 minutes at a time, after all)!! 

Anyway, if you're a cancer patient going through treatment and need some help around the house, check out Cleaning for a Cause. You may have better luck in your city than I did, and it seems like a really good idea. I'll stick with my ladies. 

This Thursday I give winter the finger and head down  to a warmer climate for the weekend. I don't really remember what warm weather feels like, so I thought it'd be a good idea if we went somewhere to remind ourselves. Hopefully I'll feel up to renting a bicycle to explore some, we'll see. I'm looking forward to sunshine and the smell of the ocean. 

Until next time!