I just wanna fly.

Here. Have an earworm.

When you have cancer you forget that you can also get "sick" as in get a cold, get a stomach bug...

I forget, anyway.

I sort of felt off the past day or so, I have a little cough that doesn't amount to much and my nose has been running for what feels like two years (no, seriously). This morning I woke up early because I had forgotten to do something for work before I left last night so I had to get up and send an e-mail, and I notice my throat hurts and sort of has that yuck factor to it. We'll see, but I'm pretty sure I've got a little cold.

This happened not too long after I left the hospital in November of 2013, too. I'd been in the hospital over two weeks and had undergone a fairly major procedure during that stay. I got a little virus and...

Freaked. Out.

That's when my doctor and the clinical trials nurse I was seeing at the time introduced me to Xanax. I can still remember sitting in the atrium area of the cancer center one late afternoon in tears, when the nurse asked me if I'd ever dealt with anxiety before. I really hadn't - at least, not from any medical standpoint. I've never really been one to hop on any drug bandwagon, so it never really crossed my mind. Cancer is stressful. It makes you worry, so what? You deal.

Except in some ways, I wasn't dealing. I did have issues with anxiety that I was not addressing. I do not mean for this to be a glaring advertisement for Xanax or anything like that, but there have been some times where it has really helped me out. Anxiety medication is not intended to be an escape. It will not make those problems go away - that's important to understand! Sometimes I feel like I'm a broken record because I get a pretty serious feeling of déjà vu when I start to type out the words "ask your doctor" but it's honestly the best thing to do if you're not feeling right, or you have a question about your care and well-being. 

Moving on, I meant to write about something last time and I completely forgot. The topic contains so much content I didn't feel like editing my last entry, but it didn't feel like it warranted its own new post either (maybe it does, who knows?).

I am really afraid to make plans. Two years ago we'd made plans to go see Andrew Bird perform at one of his rare Gezelligheid shows in Chicago - they're shows that are usually performed in cathedrals/churches (video) in only a few cities. They're more intimate shows, and I just love the acoustics in big churches. I'd really wanted to go to one for a long time, so I persuaded my husband to buy tickets for a show in Chicago in December of 2013. When I asked him, I was actually feeling good and figured it'd be a good time. 

I didn't get out of the hospital until just a day or two before the show. I was in no condition to ride in a car that long, or sit at a concert. We didn't go, and I was heartbroken. I really didn't feel like I could, or wanted to ask to go anywhere again. There have been no Gezelligheid shows since.

Now, we have plans to travel in May and June. I'm excited, but I'm horribly pessimistic about it. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't worry about whether I'll be able to go or not, or who will go if I can't, or... Well, the list goes on. I have told my husband that if for some reason I'm unable to go on these trips, he should still go - and he does not agree with me. Go. Go. 

Take the damn trip, you!

I really should just think positive about it - just like with everything else... But it's hard. What I kind of want to do, is have a tantrum about it. Dammit, can't I just go on these stupid trips? Cut me a break, here!! Even if I have little to do than be a lazy tourist, I want to be one. I want to go to California. I want to go to Colorado. I have never seen these places before and I hardly see a point in waiting to go. LET ME BE A STUPID TOURIST, OKAY!? (end flailing)

Waiting for what? When is the perfect time to go, really? 

I don't feel like I can make these plans though, or that I deserve to in some way - and I know that's cruel to say (even about myself) because I totally deserve to go on a trip, I don't care if it's 50 miles away or 5000 - I should be able to go. I'm sick of feeling this way.

I'm going to go. Don't mess with me, universe.