I'm a foodie, HONEST! Pass the Lunchables.

Hook. Me. Up. 

Before I started IV chemotherapy I considered myself quite the foodie. I still do, really. It's just... None of that foodie stuff sounds good as of late, and even if it did - I'd be afraid to spend the money on something that will only repulse me 15 minutes later. 

Sorry, chefs.

My husband and I went to a barbecue joint sometime after the first chemo cycle started and I ordered a pulled pork sandwich. I know this place is good, I was looking forward to it. When the food came, I just...Couldn't. I picked at the fries and poked at the sandwich but never actually took a bite. We'd gotten to know the server a little by this point (it was our second visit, I think - and it's a local joint) so when he came to check on us and I hadn't had a bite, he looked concerned. I wasn't going to bring up cancer or chemotherapy, but I felt I owed him an explanation for not eating what was very likely amazing food (we can smell their smoker from our house, it's such a tease). So, I told him that I had just started chemotherapy and I apologized. He understood, said some encouraging words...And my husband got a pulled pork sandwich to take for lunch the next day. 

Some people have described things having a metallic taste, and the only thing that's happened for me with is plain water. Food either just doesn't sound good, or becomes completely disgusting 1/3rd of the way through whatever it is I'm eating. I was warned by nurses not to eat things I like when I feel this way, because it will ruin that meal/food forever. As of now, I'm ruined on Chipotle and Dewey's Pizza. Sorry. 

I presently love the orange chicken my husband makes. I haven't gotten tired of it, so far. I know this is a huge risk, but it's probably one of the few things that I'd still consider to be foodie-esque (I know that's not a real word) that I will eat. If he asks me if I'd want to have it for dinner, I will always say yes. 

Guess what I'm having for dinner tonight? Orange chicken. 

My birthday is coming up, and if I could really have anything in the world, it would be Toll House cookies from my mom, and fried chicken with mashed potatoes and corn (and dinner rolls) made by my dad.  Not pre-made and driven up here, either. I want them to come to our house. I know they can't, but that's what I'd want if I could have anything to eat that I wanted on my birthday. 

This is day 2 after chemotherapy, and I feel okay. I'm tired, and I'm a little stiff. My leg is pretty painful, but the heating pad helps. I stubbornly avoided pain medication today - partially because I couldn't remember if I actually took it. I'm employing the pill case again, don't worry. I'm in good spirits and have had a great day, overall. My husband ran errands and brought home BBQ brisket sandwiches from another local favorite, Mister Brisket. No frills, it was what it was. Delicious. We ate on our balcony/porch, but it was a little chilly. 

I'm on the last day of a three day course of steroids, and as much as I hate them, they've actually helped my appetite, I think. Also instead of Zofran in my pre-meds, I had something called Emend, a long acting anti-nausea/emetic. I like it. I can't take Zofran until tomorrow night because of it, but have been cleared for Compazine or Xanax (evidently that also helps nausea) if I need it. So far, so good. 

There's the chalk festival going on this weekend, and I think we're going to try to make an appearance. Usually I plan out a drawing, but I haven't this year. I may fall back to one of my roses (though I usually chalk birds), because they're so fun and calming to draw. I hope my leg feels better - or I might worry about getting off the ground once I'm done chalking!

There's a bike ride planned for my birthday by my friends who run Slow Roll Cleveland and whether I can ride or not, I will be there. If they promise to make it not hilly, I'll ride as long as I'm able. I miss my bike. With the pain in my leg, my doctor has cleared me for biking so long as it's not strenuous. This is where a vacation to Columbus might do me some good. There's a trail along the river that isn't hilly at all (there are mild inclines, but none I'd really call hills, unless you're exiting the trail and then still - no big deal). 

Back to the food thing, though. I have a food blog I used to write in quite frequently - nowadays I don't know how much help I'd be if I wrote "Chef _______ makes a great foie burger. Tasted like vomit two bites in. Rest of my table assures me it's delish and must be my taste buds.". 

All I can say is, 

Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Seidman anymore.

The first couple of days after chemotherapy were like a terrible storm, for me. The nausea felt like it would never end, the fatigue just... Lingers. Food? You're funny. I never touch the stuff.

Zofran, please.

The storm clears a little after a couple days, for me. The one issue is this cycle, I'm also dealing with a pretty nasty upper respiratory infection that started as a sore throat - who knows where I got it. I was in the hospital 2.5 days last week because they thought I might have pneumonia - I don't.

Chemotherapy weakens your immune system, so there's certain things you're supposed to do (and not do). This weekend will be about 7-8 days away from when I had treatment, and that's usually when my "levels" (when I say this, I'm usually referring to my white blood cell count, and my red blood cell count.) are at their lowest. I'm supposed to avoid crowds and sick people. Did you read the entire list of things I linked? Yeah, chemo evidently turns people into antisocial, well-done meat eating veggie haters, or me anyway.

I cannot see, touch or smell raw meat cooking at this time - it's probably one of the grossest smelling things to me now. What do I like? Plain hamburgers from Wendy's, my husband's orange chicken, and ice cream.

- - - -

I wrote the above text a few days ago, when I seriously thought the end of the madness was coming. Nope, at least two more days of absolute discomfort from issues I don't really want to fully regale you with - combined with the nausea and lack of appetite from before.

Finally *knocks on wood* I am starting to feel a little more human. I now know the right combination of medicine to be as pain and vomit free without being looped out. Once the nasal congestion goes away (any time now would be GREAT) I'll probably only have to manage pain and the occasional nausea. I hope my appetite gets better, because I sincerely cannot imagine it getting any worse. I bought stuff to make creamed chipped beef, some of you might know that as "shit on a shingle" but that's not how we said it growing up. What was probably originally made by my grandmother as a cheap and easy way to stretch a 49 cent pack of dried beef and a loaf of bread is something I actually like from time to time. Yes, I know it's mostly butter, flour and milk - but lately I've been less about "How nutritious is this?" and more, "Is it food? It has calories, right? You can eat it? Eat it now."

I work one day (Sunday) this weekend. My husband is sick (same URI I had) so hopefully at some point we'll feel human enough to do something outside, maybe bike to the market.

I've tried staying positive these past couple of weeks and I'm presently just "staying" - as in, I exist. I'm here. I will be positive again, just not now. Don't make me do it.