Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Seidman anymore.

The first couple of days after chemotherapy were like a terrible storm, for me. The nausea felt like it would never end, the fatigue just... Lingers. Food? You're funny. I never touch the stuff.

Zofran, please.

The storm clears a little after a couple days, for me. The one issue is this cycle, I'm also dealing with a pretty nasty upper respiratory infection that started as a sore throat - who knows where I got it. I was in the hospital 2.5 days last week because they thought I might have pneumonia - I don't.

Chemotherapy weakens your immune system, so there's certain things you're supposed to do (and not do). This weekend will be about 7-8 days away from when I had treatment, and that's usually when my "levels" (when I say this, I'm usually referring to my white blood cell count, and my red blood cell count.) are at their lowest. I'm supposed to avoid crowds and sick people. Did you read the entire list of things I linked? Yeah, chemo evidently turns people into antisocial, well-done meat eating veggie haters, or me anyway.

I cannot see, touch or smell raw meat cooking at this time - it's probably one of the grossest smelling things to me now. What do I like? Plain hamburgers from Wendy's, my husband's orange chicken, and ice cream.

- - - -

I wrote the above text a few days ago, when I seriously thought the end of the madness was coming. Nope, at least two more days of absolute discomfort from issues I don't really want to fully regale you with - combined with the nausea and lack of appetite from before.

Finally *knocks on wood* I am starting to feel a little more human. I now know the right combination of medicine to be as pain and vomit free without being looped out. Once the nasal congestion goes away (any time now would be GREAT) I'll probably only have to manage pain and the occasional nausea. I hope my appetite gets better, because I sincerely cannot imagine it getting any worse. I bought stuff to make creamed chipped beef, some of you might know that as "shit on a shingle" but that's not how we said it growing up. What was probably originally made by my grandmother as a cheap and easy way to stretch a 49 cent pack of dried beef and a loaf of bread is something I actually like from time to time. Yes, I know it's mostly butter, flour and milk - but lately I've been less about "How nutritious is this?" and more, "Is it food? It has calories, right? You can eat it? Eat it now."

I work one day (Sunday) this weekend. My husband is sick (same URI I had) so hopefully at some point we'll feel human enough to do something outside, maybe bike to the market.

I've tried staying positive these past couple of weeks and I'm presently just "staying" - as in, I exist. I'm here. I will be positive again, just not now. Don't make me do it.

Wigging OUT!

Unfortunately, my week-long getaway in upstate NY had to end. We got home this afternoon after splitting the 9+ hour ride home into two days (we stopped last night in Syracuse).

The drive out of the Adirondack park was pretty scary. At times, it rained very hard. The roads were mostly in good shape, but many lacked the little reflectors that we all probably take for granted most of the time. There were some curves/turns that didn't have reflectors on poles by the side of the road, and there were no street lights. We made it out, but it didn't get much better on Route 81! I was so glad when we finally stopped moving (in other words, arrived at our hotel)!!

We'd just enjoyed a dinner and celebration with a LOT of family members who drove/flew in to celebrate my Father-in-law's birthday. He really does a lot for us (and for the rest of his family) so it was really wonderful to have a day with so many loved ones that was all for him. It was really great to see people I hadn't seen in a couple of years (or more). It was sad that we had to leave so soon, but I'm back to work tomorrow. 

I was having quite a bit of pain in my left leg all week, but yesterday was the worst. Pain medication didn't touch it - but to be fair I only tried Advil, I did not want to take narcotics or muscle relaxers. I woke up today with significantly less pain, so that was nice. I can actually walk today without hesitation or limping. I've brought it up with my oncologist's nurse who thinks it could be anything from referred pain from bone mets, or just a muscle pull. 

This week I meet with my Radiation Oncologist to follow up on the CyberKnife treatment I had. We're not doing any scans, it's mostly just to discuss how I'm feeling, and to talk about any side effects I'm experiencing. 

My hair continues to thin, and it's getting to the point where it's annoying me. It sticks straight up most of the time, and it's very obviously extremely thin when I slick it down with something. Most people say it looks great, but I have a hard time believing it - I think it's mostly positive talk and that's great, but as I continue to pull away little bunches of strands whenever I touch my head - I tell myself the hair has got to go. 

I checked with my insurance rider to see if my plan covers wigs. Good news, it does! Bad news, there's only one networking provider and it seems that they only specialize in styles that pay tribute to 1970s power-butch lesbians. 

Rawr.

That's a fine thing to be, but the hair-do isn't my style at all. They only have 15 designs/styles and they are nearly identical. I looked elsewhere online and DAMN... Wigs are expensive! I'm not trying to emulate Beyonce, I don't need a lace front - but short of wearing a halloween novelty wig, I'm going to be out a few hundred bucks, at least. A friend of mine has offered to go wig shopping locally, where I am told I can find perfectly good options well under 100 dollars. 

Until then, I do not know that I am ready to rock the baldness - I still don't like scarves very much (I'm just not used to feeling them on my head, and they kind of itch) and there's one hat that I love, but it's not appropriate for all situations. I will continue my research!

That's all for now. I didn't even drive today but I'm exhausted (and getting sick, I'm afraid. I have a persistent sore throat). 

There's no place like...

I'm prepping for a second berry pie right now, the bottom crust is in the oven, the berries are on the stovetop cooling, and the lattice top is unrolled and in the fridge still. I'll put it together and bake it soon.

I'm on my first vacation since I was diagnosed with cancer, and it's great! I've actually managed to sleep - a LOT - and have been feeling generally well rested. My husband participated in a triathlon on Monday and that was AWESOME! We're here for a little bit longer, then heading home.

I woke up this morning not feeling very well, though. Lots of knocking in my chest, nausea, and I was/am cold. I have obsessively (but discreetly - Hi Mom!) been taking my temperature all day and I've got no fever, but chills can be a part of chemotherapy. I took a Zofran and my other dailies and powered through it. Most food has looked awful to me all day long, and I managed to be nauseated most of the afternoon - but I'm okay. I ate enough, and the company I kept more than makes up for the icky stomach.

Next week will begin Cycle #2 of Carboplatin/Alimta/Avastin. This probably means that Sunday will be my worst (and whiny) day. I'm excited to beat the ever-loving shite out of my cancer, so naturally I am looking forward to next Friday.

I also miss my house, and my cats though. The knocking in my chest is (likely) my lung trying to open up more. My breathing is fine, and I've had no fevers since I finished the antibiotics for the unrelated infection last week. The sensation makes me cough, which makes me wheeze a little - and that always makes me nervous. That makes me want to run home, fast. In one particular coughing fit this afternoon I told my husband I wanted to go home, now. I don't feel that way now, but the anxiety still remains. Part of me is not comfortable with being as far away from my doctors/team as I am. My husband assures me that there are oncologists and a hospital nearby, but I don't know them and they don't know me.

The last time I spoke at length with a doctor who didn't know me, she told me I should be considering hospice (this was November, 2013). I was highly offended and her words sparked mental trauma I still fight with once in a while. That hospital stay was horrid, and traumatic in many ways. So while I'm somewhat comforted that there are medical professionals nearby if needed, I can't stop thinking of all the things they can (and probably would) say to me. I'm having a hard time thinking positive about that scenario.

There it is, just a little brain dump. I wouldn't be human if I didn't worry some.

I'm so glad to be where I am, though - and with my family. The combination of my surroundings and the people I'm with make this trip so very therapeutic. I wish I could stay longer - but also have the capability to teleport my doctors here if needed. The weather was dreary today and so I think that's part of the reason that *I* was dreary feeling. My family is pretty damn awesome, though. With them I can weather any storm.

Time to make that pie, now. If you're planning on heading over, it'll be done in an hour or so.

TTFN!

Down With The Sickness

Hey there.

I haven't posted much because there hasn't been much to say, really. We're 75% unpacked in our new apartment and we absolutely LOVE the new place. I can't wait till it's all put together, it will be great. If I feel  up to it, I may hang curtains tonight.

I've been fighting fevers at night for the past two days, last night getting up to 100.4. We called the after hours doctor, but they never called us back. This is the second time I've left a message there and not been called back. I'm trying not to be angry about it - my own oncologist called me back this morning and spoke to me, so that's good.

I have an infection, and they're giving me Cipro to take care of it. That explains the fevers and general malaise. I still have achy legs from time to time, but have been biking to work and it seems that during the rides I am without pain (what better reason to ride more?). I stick my phone on the outside of my mesh pannier and put music on. It makes the ride a little more fun but it's not loud enough - maybe I'll get a bike speaker  - hey.. that one is also a headlight and it has a siren. I know what my next purchase will be...

n+1

Kidding - that's totally not the life for me. I do remember a few months ago when I said I'd buy a new bike once I beat cancer... I felt so close to the "end" back then - only to be told about the brain mets a little later. What a drag. I'm still going to buy myself a bike when this is all over... It's just going to be a much nicer bike than I'd originally planned on.

My appetite has been terrible lately. Today I basically made myself eat a muffin from Einstein's, and I drank a Boost. I think I'm actually hungry now, but I'm honestly not sure. I could go home and look at food and just think, "Nope." and not eat.

It's not that I don't know I should, or that I really need to eat something - I'm just not interested. Boost/Ensure is wonderful stuff for these sorts of situations, but they're no replacement for a nice hamburger! I wish that strawberries were still in season, I'd like to think I would eat those all the time.

Next week, I get a little break before the next round. I'm going to be able to relax some, and (hopefully) forget about what ails me, if only for a little while. Hopefully the leg cramps have fully stopped by next week. I'm down to about one cramp a night, and I've actually been able to sleep till 7 in the morning. It feels like sleeping in, though I know it isn't.