Un Poco de Todo

If this entry were a Jeopardy category, it'd be called Hodgepodge or Potpourri. I'm all over the place.

See that drawing, though? That's me. That's me last night, practicing to be some sort of human pretzel. I fell asleep in this position because I felt the least amount of pain this way. The illustration isn't wrong - I fell asleep with no covers on. I was roasting. The important part here, is that I'm smiling - and sleeping.

It's been about three weeks since I applied for the HSP-90 clinical trial, and there's been some drama in relation to the screening tests. I had to have a CT scan, an MRI, an eye exam and various lab tests. One of the lab tests they ran was for the pregnancy hormone, also known as HCG. A day after I have all the tests done, the Clinical Trials nurse calls me before I go into work. She asks, "Is there any way you could be pregnant?"

"Um, no?" I explain to her for various reasons. She tells me that my HCG level is elevated and that my test is positive. She tells me I'll have to have a repeat test, but assures me the level probably won't go up.

It goes up.

It goes up a third time. They tell me I have to consult an OB/Gyn to confirm I'm actually not pregnant. They offer no other explanation as to why this could be happening. I worry, panic, and think about how absolutely f*cked up it would be for a cancer patient with an IUD that wanted to have children and -tried- forever and ever to actually be pregnant. I call my doctor and I proceed to freak out. I tell her the levels the study nurse had told me (5.2/6.4/7.6) and she laughs a little, and explains those numbers wouldn't coincide with a pregnancy - that there's likely another reason for it.

Super-Gyn runs an additional test and determines that the HCG is coming from my pituitary gland, not my uterus. Which means...

Truthfully, this blows my tiny mind a little bit. Not because I can't have children now - I've made my peace with that and have decided that being able to  just survive would be AWESOME - but because I'm 36 years old and I'm going through the "Change 'o Life". It's funny and weird, but it is what it is. This is happening thanks to the chemotherapy treatments I started in the summer. 

If you're curious about pituitary HCG and peri-menopause, here's a science-y article on the subject. 

Needless to say, Super-Gyn sent a letter to the oncology department at the "other" hospital (which I don't like at ALL by the way, sorry) assuring them I am not pregnant. I think she even used all caps, at one point. 

My doctor at my "home" hospital really went to bat for me - and they always have. I'm not thrilled with going to another hospital for this trial... Not in the slightest. I miss my team, my doctors/nurses. I'd like to think they miss me. I don't feel like the folks at the new place give a damn about me as a person, but maybe I'll at least give them some good data. We'll see.

The reason for the first illustration of me sleeping in a weird way is because of some terrible pain I've been having. My left hip has been hurting a lot, which has been causing referred pain elsewhere, and some mobility issues. I can't really stand still for very long (showering was hell today). I know it's temporary but I seriously forget what "no pain" feels like. I miss

Christmas is coming up, and I really want to dive in. I want to put pine garland in the house, put up a tree soon... Bake cookies, the works. Hopefully my husband is down with this idea, because I really want to live it up this year. Did I mention that my husband is great? Last night he came to lay down next to me and we watched a TV show together. Every once in a while he'd rub my shoulder or hold my hand. Seriously, it was the the best thing ever.

Being with him is the best medicine/therapy, sometimes.