Past Tense

Nil sa saol seo ach ceo,
Is ni bheimid beo,
ach seal beag gearr.

Lyrics (Gaelic) from Aisling's Song, The Secret of Kells

I caught myself speaking about bicycling in the past tense today, and it really bothered me. I was talking to a friend about ways to grab quick carbs and calories and I linked her to some energy cubes and told her;

"I used to use these on all of my rides."

Then I thought, what is this "used to" BS, huh? I can still ride. I will still ride. I do that sort of thing all the time. I'm like the Browns, I feel like I'm in a "rebuilding season" right now. First of all, I've been sleeping - lots. The only thing I can figure is that there's some sort of epic battle going on inside of me. (At least, that's what I hope)

No more saying "when I used to ride".

I also tend to split my life into BC and AD eras, but not how you'd think.

BC = Before cancer
AD = After diagnosis

That's sort of how things are described by me, when I'm speaking about things in the past tense. I don't think that's unhealthy or anything, it is what it is. On the day I was diagnosed it was like a meteor struck the earth and my surroundings, absolutely everything changed and will never, ever be the same again.

We're now officially "gearing up" for this 5k walk/run in Cleveland in June!! Please sign up, make and/or join teams and you'll be in for quite a treat! You can also donate to me directly, if you don't feel like participating.

And now, for my tangent of the day: Have you ever heard of Fordite or Detroit Agate? I want a piece of Fordite jewelry. I'm going to buy this one in a week if it's still there. From the pendant's page:

"Also known as Detroit or Motor Agate. Originally, Detroit auto manufacturers would tow cars on a rail and pallet system through the paint booths. Over time, the paint over spray would accumulate on the rails and skids, requiring the crews to remove the accumulated paint from time to time to avoid mechanical failure of the system. Some of the workers got the bright idea of taking some of this material home to cut and polish for jewelry. And so was born Fordite!

Cars are no longer painted this way, and haven't been since the 80's. Fordite is a generic term that refers to any chunk of accumulated over-spray paint. All Fordite is, by definition, a recycled use product.

The Fordite material used in this pendant was sourced from Detroit and is from the Ford assembly plant in Wayne, MI."

I have seriously put in in and taken it out of my cart 50 times today. I don't need it, so I'm not buying it. Yet. 

Back in the saddle...Again!

I've been so lucky to have caught several days of good weather in the past couple of weeks! Miami Beach was wonderful (even on the "cold" day) and then we saw family in Columbus last weekend for St. Pat's, and then it was pretty decent back home for a day.

I got to go on a short bike ride yesterday, and that was good. It was the first time I'd been on my bike since last fall. It honestly felt a little weird. In Miami Beach I'd ridden a small step-through bike that seemed a lot lower to the ground. Honestly, my seat was probably too low. Anyway, it was weird - but it was good to ride again - even if the ride got cut short (long story!!).

Am I doing this correctly?

I've got my eye on a recumbent tricycle and I hope to test drive it very soon. Riding yesterday wasn't painful - just...weird. My biggest concern was lifting my leg over the seat and crossbar on the dismount. That's a tricky thing right now, and I was careful not to trip over my own bike or hurt my leg any more than it hurts.

My time on the bike was pretty good. I didn't feel any pain in my hips or legs. I did brake a little hard at my first stop light and that scared me. The seat post is a little high, but it can be fixed.

Meanwhile, I've been having some anxiety recently about my health. I'll have a scan in a little less than a month, but I'm fearful that the medicine I'm on isn't working. Xanax helps to allay this fear, which is good.

Since I got back from Florida I've had a bit of a cough (planes are vessels for disease, I know). I am out of breath after going up stairs while carrying something (could be attributable to a cold). I can take deep breaths, I can speak normally. I'm not wheezing, I'm not coughing up blood. I don't have a fever. Surprisingly, I wasn't particularly out of breath after riding my bike.

That, obviously... Is because bicycles are magical.

When I sit in a funny position, my leg hurts more (again, makes sense). Lots of this stuff is probably obvious, and my rational brain knows this.

Fire = HOT!

But my irrational brain thinks of course, that this is the pulmonocalypse and I'm deathly ill. In my defense, that's happened before. I will never not be afraid of things getting worse, or coming back, or spreading... No matter what happens. I could be disease free and would have a conniption if I ever felt short of breath. The fear will never go away.

I did get a new medicine to manage nausea that seems to work pretty well, most of the time. What usually ends up happening is that I'll wake up nauseated and then will be sick for an hour or so - during which time I take another medication (anti-emetic) which works but makes me sleepy. Cue me falling asleep on the bed with a constant stream of King of the Hill going on in the background. I can sleep through half a season, sometimes. Later on in the day I might feel human if I eat something. Steak usually does the trick, honestly. I have been known to eat a steak with nothing else - just to get the protein and calories. Also, steak rules.

One thing about Bristol Myers Squibb...They sure know how to cook a steak.

Tonight I'll attempt to eat some corned beef - it sounds good so that's definitely a start! With yesterday's dinner I was pickier than my Brother-in-Law... I got a sandwich at Melt and picked off most of the green stuff, took the shrimp off of the bread and just ate the shrimp. I may have eaten a few pieces of the bread, but it wasn't much of it. I feel like I'm getting enough to eat, I think... Not sure if that's my brain telling me I don't want food because I'm satiated - or my brain falsely telling me I don't want or need any more.

The Breathe Deep Cleveland 5k walk/run will have a website up later this week. I believe it might be live now, but don't want to tell you to sign up for anything yet in case it might still be buggy (my contact at LUNGevity hasn't announced that the page is up, so I'll wait to post about it).

Today I'm giving you homework. It's time to make an upbeat playlist for those gloomy days. In comments, please leave your favorite upbeat song. You can also Tweet me if you'd rather do that, or leave your suggestion in my Facebook comments. Help me out! (Note to Dr. P: Tubthumping is not allowed on the list.)

Fighting the Good Fight

Today we visited the Radiation Oncologist to discuss Thursday's MRI. On the day of the scan itself, all we knew was that there were new spots (worms, except not really - it's cancer!) on the brain. We found out that the spots are "teeny tiny" and that they're not an immediate concern, considering I am on treatment for the lung and other mets (bone and liver) via chemotherapy.

We're giving copies of the MRI to my current oncologist to see what he thinks. Right now, the verdict is that the brain metastases are so minor and non threatening at this point, that the Radiation Oncologist wants to follow up in two months and see if anything has grown. My guess (as well as the doctor's) is that the liver is a greater risk/threat and should be stabilized/treated before we'd do anything for the brain. I'm excited for next week's scans to see what has happened. All I know is that overall (aside from the occasional nausea/pukefest) I'm feeling pretty good!

There was a time before I started this trial where I wondered if I'd ever know what it was like to not feel pain again. After two infusions and an adjustment in my pain medications, I started to feel better. Now, I'm exercising and am able to walk a lot more. Today, we walked quite a distance within the hospital and I walked with my husband to the parking garage, instead of having him pick me up. Right now I feel like I've got a little cold or something, because I'm sniffling a lot and it's been a little harder to breathe, but it doesn't feel like it's in my lungs. My O2 saturation is 99/100 and I don't have a fever at all. I'm treating that and just relaxing today.

I honestly expected the worst, today. It's easy to be pessimistic when you've been diagnosed with lung cancer only a day after a routine office visit. Nowadays, I prepare myself for the worst before every visit. I don't think of it as being negative, I think of it as being realistic. Today was a bit of good news, in my mind. Even if radiation is in my future, I feel like I know what to expect. I know if I get radiation, it's possible (if not likely, depending on the type of treatment) that I'll lose my hair. Big deal. All I really want to do is live - and if I have to deal with unpleasantries to survive, then that's what I have to do.

Either you accept that it's truly going to be a battle, or you don't. There really is no middle ground.

Friday thoughts

Telling someone that doesn't know you that you have cancer is an interesting experience. The evolution of their facial expressions can be completely awful. The words "I'm so sorry" usually follow. I'm so used to it now, to the apologies and even to having cancer that all I know how to do, is fight.

Today we saw the Neurosurgeon. While we waited, I glanced over at Jeff and noticed he looked worried, so I asked him if he was - and he nodded yes. All I could do is assure him that it's going to be okay, because I am convinced that it will be.

Everything in life is okay, until it isn't. A lot of times, that is all we can ever know. Today, I am not afraid of the future. I cry, but most times it's out of gratitude and awe. I am moved every single day by the kindness of friends, family and total strangers.

My husband is the best of them all.

Tonight we're going to a rib cook-off, and I'm considering it a celebration. Insurance approved radiation therapy, and now we're going to wait for the call for the setup appointment, where they'll do scans and I'll get my radiation mask. I am assured it is highly attractive. Tomorrow, I will try and fix my bikes. One is too small for me, I would like to ask how much it would cost to make it fit me better.