Good Morning, Sunshine...

There's something about sunshine that makes me a little giddy. The warm blanket hug of sunshine on my face and hair, the way a fuzzy kitty's head smells after she's been basking in the window for a little while... It's good stuff.

Yeah, it's not very warm yet. If I told you that today's high was going to be around 50, many of you would probably shiver out of empathy - 50 isn't that bad when it comes to Cleveland, not after weeks and weeks of sub-zero temperatures anyway.

My Brother-in-Law is coming to visit us tomorrow, and we're going to see a Cavaliers game with him. It should be pretty good! I'm not interested in basketball in the slightest unless it's the Cavs, and I'm seeing it in person. Snobby, huh? Nah, I just think watching a bunch of athletes running to and fro on a TV screen is boring.

Last year, I made a March Madness bracket and busted it on the first day. Don't care.

Spring is definitely coming - I'm anxious to rip the plastic off of all our windows and mop all the floors/walls/everything so that our house smells like sunshine and Murphy's Oil Soap. I don't think we're at that point though, I'm afraid. Not quite. I really miss the outdoors, though. I miss the smell of sunscreen, I miss eating ice cream outside with bare shoulders. I miss a lot of weird things, but you know exactly what I'm talking about because I bet you've experienced and enjoyed a lot of these same things.

You know that feel, bro. You know.

I can't believe we're less than two months away from the Breathe Deep CLE event, it's surreal. I have such high hopes for this thing. We have 15 people signed up and a good chunk of money raised already but we need more. I want this thing to be EPIC. I know it has the potential to be - if you think about how many people are impacted by lung cancer in some way - or hey, even cancer in general... Come give us a shout out. Walk a few miles (you can borrow my shoes, if you want!) and eat a bagel. Hug someone, ask questions, learn things. It'll be fun. My hopes are so, so high.

Remember what happens on this episode of Saved by the Bell? Well don't worry, I'm not going to go on a speed bender and break down in Mark Paul Gosselar's arms (unless he's available?). I'm just a little scared. I'm afraid of failure. I'm reminded of a time when I had a birthday party and only two people came. One of those people stole some of my presents. Why was I friends with her, again? Never mind.

It has to succeed, it just has to. I'm not saying this because my name is all over it - I just want people to come out, take a walk, and learn things. Understand what a huge impact lung cancer has on us all.

There was a time in my life when I liked sweets and candies and overall horribly bad, processed foods on the regular. No, seriously. A "fancy" dinner for me used to be frozen peas, Shake & Bake pork chops, and instant mashed potatoes.

My favorite lunch was Bagel Bites. Ew, right? I did crave them with one of my treatments, but it was a one time thing. They're cardboard saucers with "cheese" and some horrible sauce. If you aren't familiar, be glad.

My point anyway, was that I also used to hoard Cadbury Creme Eggs. I hadn't had one in ages, so I decided to get one. Hello terrible chocolate with gritty sugar filling! I'm kind of sad I hate them now, but in a way, I'm really not. I don't need that stuff.

My love for marshmallow eggs will never die, though. I'll probably buy one this weekend. Maybe. I think we're going to have a "traditional" Easter dinner this Sunday, with deviled eggs and ham and that sort of thing. In other words, leftovers forever!

There's no place like...

I'm prepping for a second berry pie right now, the bottom crust is in the oven, the berries are on the stovetop cooling, and the lattice top is unrolled and in the fridge still. I'll put it together and bake it soon.

I'm on my first vacation since I was diagnosed with cancer, and it's great! I've actually managed to sleep - a LOT - and have been feeling generally well rested. My husband participated in a triathlon on Monday and that was AWESOME! We're here for a little bit longer, then heading home.

I woke up this morning not feeling very well, though. Lots of knocking in my chest, nausea, and I was/am cold. I have obsessively (but discreetly - Hi Mom!) been taking my temperature all day and I've got no fever, but chills can be a part of chemotherapy. I took a Zofran and my other dailies and powered through it. Most food has looked awful to me all day long, and I managed to be nauseated most of the afternoon - but I'm okay. I ate enough, and the company I kept more than makes up for the icky stomach.

Next week will begin Cycle #2 of Carboplatin/Alimta/Avastin. This probably means that Sunday will be my worst (and whiny) day. I'm excited to beat the ever-loving shite out of my cancer, so naturally I am looking forward to next Friday.

I also miss my house, and my cats though. The knocking in my chest is (likely) my lung trying to open up more. My breathing is fine, and I've had no fevers since I finished the antibiotics for the unrelated infection last week. The sensation makes me cough, which makes me wheeze a little - and that always makes me nervous. That makes me want to run home, fast. In one particular coughing fit this afternoon I told my husband I wanted to go home, now. I don't feel that way now, but the anxiety still remains. Part of me is not comfortable with being as far away from my doctors/team as I am. My husband assures me that there are oncologists and a hospital nearby, but I don't know them and they don't know me.

The last time I spoke at length with a doctor who didn't know me, she told me I should be considering hospice (this was November, 2013). I was highly offended and her words sparked mental trauma I still fight with once in a while. That hospital stay was horrid, and traumatic in many ways. So while I'm somewhat comforted that there are medical professionals nearby if needed, I can't stop thinking of all the things they can (and probably would) say to me. I'm having a hard time thinking positive about that scenario.

There it is, just a little brain dump. I wouldn't be human if I didn't worry some.

I'm so glad to be where I am, though - and with my family. The combination of my surroundings and the people I'm with make this trip so very therapeutic. I wish I could stay longer - but also have the capability to teleport my doctors here if needed. The weather was dreary today and so I think that's part of the reason that *I* was dreary feeling. My family is pretty damn awesome, though. With them I can weather any storm.

Time to make that pie, now. If you're planning on heading over, it'll be done in an hour or so.

TTFN!

Radioactive

Today was the setup appointment for my CyberKnife sessions. I was told it would be a full day, but ended up leaving the hospital after only 3-4 hours. I met the nurse who I'd usually be dealing with on treatment days (she's wonderful) and we talked about the schedule. Treatment sessions will last about two hours each - there is a stereo in the chamber and I was told I can bring in any CDs I want. Time to make some mixtapes!

I got fitted for my mask, and had a CT scan and MRI. They do these scans at a finer detail to make sure they don't miss any little tumor "seeds" that they can target during sessions. The mask wasn't bad, the MRI was annoying... You do what you have to do. You carry on, or you don't. Those are the options, and I choose to carry on!

It was established that sessions would begin in July - but I've since gotten a phone call and radiation begins next Tuesday. I will likely have two consecutive sessions next week, two more the following week and then a fifth the following week. It's not exactly jam-packed. During radiation therapy, I will not take chemotherapy medication. I will not resume it for three days after radiation ends.

All in all, today wasn't that stressful but I'm still pretty tired. The weather decided to warm up and even our ground floor apartment isn't impervious to 90 degree heat and the humidity. It's gross, I feel slow and exhausted. I'm doing laundry (don't worry, I am not lifting anything heavy) and then plan to take an extremely cold shower.

I'm curious about how radiation will affect me. Most things I read say that side effects with CyberKnife are minimal and don't usually show up for weeks (as the tumors start to dissolve/die) if at all. I'm anxious for business as usual.